


The mind is a powerful place (What you feed it can affect you in a powerful way)

by admirabletragedy



Series: Whumptober 2020 [23]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Exhaustion, F/M, Fic, Suicidal Thoughts, no.23, whumptober2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:54:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27153451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/admirabletragedy/pseuds/admirabletragedy
Summary: Day 23 • ExhaustionIt’s cruel, Anakin thinks, his mind is cruel.It always has been.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker | Darth Vader
Series: Whumptober 2020 [23]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1946944
Comments: 6
Kudos: 12
Collections: Whumptober





	The mind is a powerful place (What you feed it can affect you in a powerful way)

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the song “The Search,” by NF

_It’s cruel, Anakin thinks, his mind is cruel._

_It always has been._

* * *

His doubts have long since clawed through the walls he’s built around his mind. Like snakes, they slither through the cracks they’ve made, constricting around his mind, his heart, and his throat. 

They control him.

They scare him.

It’s infuriating, the way his thoughts linger and leave him feeling defeated. It’s his fault, though. He knows it is. That doesn't stop them from sinking their sharp teeth into his vocal cords until he can do nothing but nod when his Master asks if he’s okay.

They’re back now, as he holds his mother to his chest.

They egg him on as he’s overtaken with blind rage. 

It’s not until everything around him is dead, dead, dead, that he finally becomes aware of what he's done.

He washes his hands twenty times.

It’s not enough.

* * *

Anakin Skywalker is familiar with anger. The feeling greets him with its familiar wave and kriff, he’s so fucking sick of hearing Obi-Wan tell him he needs to work on controlling his anger.

On days like this, he wants to scream, to ask his Master why he hasn’t taught him how.

Instead, he clenches his hands into tight fists and leaves the room to breathe. 

Fury encompasses him the farther he walks, and he lets it.

He grabs a stick from the floor and hurls it across the garden, fuming in his steaming frustration.

He crouches down then, his hands moving to tug harshly at his hair.

It calms him. 

He tugs his hair harder.

* * *

He’s sick of sleep; he's exhausted of feeling so tired.

He wakes up and sees red on his hands. 

Lying next to Padmé; he's never felt so alone.

The screams merge together until the nightmares leave him trembling, ill.

Until he wakes up and is told it's just a dream.

How foolish he is to assume Obi-Wan could understand.

He feels like punching a wall.

He lets his anger simmer, instead.

* * *

Anakin finds himself drawn to the outdoor balcony; a welcome change from the crowded ballroom.

He sets his champagne down on a nearby table, stepping closer and closer to the glass railing.

He lifts himself up, letting one leg fall over the balcony railing before adjusting his grip and swinging his other leg over as well. 

His knees lock him in place, his hands on either side of himself. He glances toward the sliding doors, listens to the muffled music playing from inside.

He looks back out at the building’s grounds. 

He could do it. He could tilt forward, loosen his grip on the rail. 

It'd be easy. 

He lets out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding and snaps himself out of his thoughts.

Swinging his legs back over the railing, he jumps down effortlessly, grabbing his champagne and heading back inside.

The music’s loud.

He doesn't think Obi-Wan even noticed he was gone.

* * *

Anakin can't hear Obi-Wan.

The screams are too loud and he feels like he's drowning.

He just needs to protect them. He needs them alive. Why can't they understand? 

He thinks they're fighting. It's hard to tell when one minute he's seeing tan robes and strawberry-blond hair and the next he's seeing a ghost.

He doesn't feel right.

He hopes Obi-Wan will strike him down. 

* * *

He's burning. 

Fire is coursing through his veins and his screams mingle with the shouting in his head.

He thinks he'd be crying if it wasn't so scorching hot.

He can see Obi-Wan above him, looking down, just like he's always done and Anakin screams.

Screams and screams and screams.

* * *

_It’s cruel, Anakin thinks, his mind is cruel._

_It always has been._


End file.
